The Story of Katnip

The first time I ever left my daddy’s ranch was just a coupla years ago.  ‘Til that night, I spent every day since I was ten butcherin’ my daddy’s cows.  My mama said I had a gift.  All I know is I loved killin’ them cows!  At first I used the big bolt gun, just like Daddy showed me.  When I got a li’l older, I started usin’ a big ol’ sledgehammer.  But then I started tryin’ new ways to kill ‘em, just fer fun.  I choked ‘em with a rope, I shocked ‘em with electric wires, I cut ‘em all up with a chainsaw, I ran a hose down their throats to drown ‘em.  It was all good fun.  Later, I started playin’ with other critters, findin’ even more ways to kill ‘em.  I had myself a good ol’ pile of rotten critters stashed in the barn, when my mama found ‘em.  She tole Daddy, an’ we all had us a little talk.

“Darlin’,” Daddy started, “yer mama and me think you must be gettin’ kinda bored ‘round here lately.  Ain’t much fer a girl to do on a ranch when she gets to be yer age.  So I think it’s high time to get yerself up and go into town fer the night.  Maybe meet yerself a nice fella or somethin’.”  Mama smiled an’ tole me she’d help me fix up my hair.  It was just like that Reba McIntire song, ‘bout that Fancy girl!  I felt just like a princess.  Mama got me all purty and tole me, “Kat, honey, I think this is gonna be yer lucky night.”

And it really was, y’know?  I drove into town and moseyed ‘round, ‘til I found this honky tonk called Coyote’s Lounge.  It sure was a friendly crowd!  I walked on in, and all these handsome cowboys came up an’ started talkin’ to me.  One said, “Hot damn, darlin’, you got more curves than Rural Route 9!”  Another tole me, “Baby, I’ll give you a free mustache ride if you come with me to the back room.”  Then they started pushin’ an’ shovin’ each other, fightin’ over who was gonna buy me a drink!  I just sat there, thirsty, watchin’ those cowboys beat each other silly.  They was cussin’ an’ throwin’ chairs and all kinds of crazy stuff!  Mr. Coyote started yellin’, “Damn you, honkeys!  Get the hell outta my bar!  Get ‘em out, girls!”

Then these two girls, a real sexy brunette and this cute li’l blonde girl about 16 years old came out an’ started punchin’ those guys and threw ‘em all out the door!  I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before!  Then they came right up to me an’ made sure I was okay.  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I tole ‘em.  “Hey!  Where’d you learn t’ fight like that?”  The li’l blonde girl strolled on up to me an’ said, “I’m Trixi, baby.  I guess you could say that old Mr. Coyote taught us.”  She looked me up an’ down, then smiled.  “Since there’s no guys around, what do you say you and Lucky play a little strip poker?”  I didn’t think nothin’ of it, but I had to tell her that I didn’t know how to play poker.  Lucky laughed an’ tole me all about it:  “You get five cards, keep the ones you like, and trade out the cards you don’t like.  And every time you lose, you have to give up a piece of clothing.”  That didn’t sound too hard, so I said, “Golly, that sounds like fun!”

So we sat on down an’ started playin’.  Boy howdy, was Lucky good!  I lost my shoes, stockings, garter, dress, and bra in less than ten minutes!  Lucky was sittin’ there just givin’ me the eye, still wearin’ all of her clothes.  She said, “Last hand, by the looks of it.  Whatcha holding there?”  I looked at my cards.  “Well, I’ve got four A’s . . . an’ one eight.  Did I win?”  I laid out my cards fer her to see.  She shook her head an’ showed me her hand, three sixes an’ the King an’ Queen of spades.  “Too bad, Kat – that’s the highest hand in the bar.  Guess you’d better hand over those panties!”  So I looked down.  “Aw, hell, Lucky!  I reckon I forgot to wear any!”

Lucky an’ Trixi looked under the table an’ started gigglin’.  Then Lucky sat up an’ said, “Well, it isn’t fair that you don’t give up anything.”  I frowned an’ tole her, “Fair or not, I ain’t got nothin’ to give up!”  I sighed sadly.  Mr. Coyote piped up, “How about your soul?  I can’t let you leave until you make good on this game.”  I thought fer a minute and tole him, “Well, I would, Mr. Coyote, but I dunno how to get it out!”  He moved toward me an’ put his face right in front of mine.  He smelled just like Mama did after her quiltin’ bees at the Church Ladies’ League!  An’ then this green smoke came right outta my mouth an’ he breathed it right on in.  “That’s how, Kat,” he said, smiling.  I felt all funny inside.  Real strong, I guess.  I tole the girls an’ Mr. Coyote, “Well, I gotta get home an’ butcher a couple cows before goin’ to bed.  This was fun, though.”  I got up to put on my clothes, but Mr. Coyote stopped me.  “You can’t go home, Kat.  Uh . . . your mama and daddy moved to . . . uh, France.  They called a little while ago and told me that they want Trixi and Lucky to look after you from now on.”

I didn’t feel too sad ‘bout that.  I was gettin’ tired of the ranch an’ I didn’t know much about livin’ all by my lonesome.  So I said, “Sounds fine to me.  I’ll just miss all that butcherin’ I used to do on the ranch.”  Trixi just grinned at me an’ said, “You don’t have to, Kat.  We know all about your little gift, and we want you to use it to help us.”  Lucky gave Mr. Coyote a li’l push.  “The power.  Go on.  Give it to her.” 

Then he put his hand on my head an’ said, “I have given you the power to raise the dead. You must now go with my minions . . . uh . . . I mean, my nieces here, and devise new ways to murder mortals, and raise a vast army of rotting soldiers to conquer the world.”  I jumped up.  “Hey!  Does that mean I can butcher a cow, wake ‘er back up, and butcher ‘er again?!”  Mr. Coyote had a sorta funny look on his face, but he nodded.  “Yes, Katnip, that too.” 

Then Lucky and Trixi helped me get dressed an’ led me on out of the bar.  We hopped into a shiny hot rod and took off. Lucky smiled an' said, “We're goin’ to Vegas to wake up my daddy.”

“Cool,” I said.