The Story of Priss E. Bitch

I know when you look at ME, you see a beautiful, rich, intelligent, shapely, stylish, popular, perfect girl. But what you don't see is a girl who lost PROM QUEEN. And that's exactly what I AM.

It was so HUMILIATING! My daddy got me a date with MATT DILLON, I had a dress designed just for me by VERSACE himself, and the confidence that MY HEAD would be bestowed with MY rightful CROWN of glittering Diamonelles & trade. It should have been a fairy tale, but instead it turned into a bad HORROR film. Instead of ME, yours truly, they crowned Miss Biggest Whore In The Entire School herself, TORI SPELLING. Her daddy was richer than mine and the school needed a new golf course and clubhouse with a gourmet kitchen. And as if that wasn't enough to NEARLY KILL me, she disappeared with *MY* date. "Matt, to my hotel room." That BITCH!

And so I called the one person a girl can always count on in times of need...my fabulous and ultra-gay HAIRDRESSER! "Amon, it's Priscilla! I need you here PRONTO!" I shouted into my cell. "Priss, what is it darling? I just got Phillipe warmed up and ready to...oh my, he's bending over..." "GROSS! Amon, I just lost Prom Queen AND my date to TORI SPELLING!" I screamed and sobbed into my phone. "That BITCH! We'll talk tomorrow, dear...[giggle] Not there, Phillipe!" "Pick me up NOW! I need SPA treatments a.s.a.p.! Something to restore a shattered EGO!" I cried. "Well, I don't know...what about Phillipe?" "Oh, come ON, Amon! There's a new MIATA in it for you!" I pleaded with him. "I'll meet you out front in ten minutes."

Five minutes later Amon squealed into the driveway. I hopped in and began to cry and wail VERY LOUDLY, "Oh, GOD! I can never ever ever go back to school AGAIN! All the kids will LAUGH at me! I would've sold my soul to the DEVIL if I would've know there was a CHANCE I wouldn't WIN! Boo, hoo, hoo!" Amon patted my shoulder and handed me a cigarette. "Don't cry, sweetie. You know that Tori was a nobody 'til she got her nose job and tit lift. Now I have just the thing at the salon! It will ensure that you will always be the most beautiful, sought-after girl in the world. And with no unsightly scars." "Sounds FABULOUS! STEP on it, Amon! I'm ready for the CHANGE!"

Twenty minutes, two flutes of champagne, and one scalp massage later, Amon decided I was ready for my treatment. He snapped his fingers and called for his assistants. "Trixi, Lucky, Katnip! Please prepare the special mask for the lovely Priscilla." The girls leaned over a bowl that bubbled and smoked, and stirring it slowly, they chanted: "Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Water of a sparkling lake, In the cauldron boil and bake. Sprig of aloe and methosulfate, Propylene glycol and sodium lactate, Rose hips extract and methylparaben, Lavender oil and behentimonium, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble." They then brought the bowl to Amon. He examined it carefully and said, "Good job, girls. Do you care to stay and watch the transformation?" Trixi nodded and replied, "I sure hope we didn't screw it up and make the ugly potion instead!" I started up out of my seat, my heart RACING. "Oh, NO! It's not going to give me PIMPLES, is it?" Amon pushed me back into the chair. "Oh, absolutely not. You are sure about this? It will suck your soul out of every pore, creating flawless beauty...forever." I pondered it for about a MILLISECOND before answering, "LAY IT ON ME! NOW!"

As he spread the cream over my face, I could feel it sucking at my skin. I felt more perfect by the second. Moments later he peeled the mask from my face and the sticky mess glowed brightly in his gloved hands. He wrapped it carefully and put it in his apron pocket. "You are a vision of perfect beauty. And from this day forth you will be able to create any vision you wish. Real glamour!" And with that, he spun me around to face the mirror. I nearly SCREAMED with DELIGHT! "You have made me BETTER than PERFECT!" I cried out. "How can I ever THANK you?" Amon leaned over to me and said, "I have but one demand. You will join these girls in their attempt to conquer the world. You will use your beauty for evil and your power to cause visions and hallucinations to strengthen this squad, and aid them in their quest. And you will get your ass out of here and let me get back to Phillipe!"

I looked at the girls and nodded reluctantly. I felt that I had no CHOICE in this matter...Amon could take ALL my BEAUTY away again! "I'm ready when you are, girls," I sighed. Lucky smiled. "Hope you like convertibles, you Prissy Bitch!" I groaned, "SHIT! There goes my HAIRDO! Oh, well. I'll still be BEAUTIFUL!" And with that, we hopped into the car and we roared away, away from the white-bread life I had always known....and into the FABULOUS existence I always knew I DESERVED.