The Story of Ruby Lamb

Ruby Lamb was orphaned and left on the steps of Catholic nuns at age two weeks. She was found in a pink bassinet with a bottle of pink milk and a message written with lipstick on a napkin: "God, forgive me."

The nuns accepted her as their duty and brought her up strictly. Ruby would often run away in the middle of the night and sleep with the goats or the lambs in the church barnyard. She further exasperated the sisters by locking herself in the church for hours having what appeared to be loud arguments with the statues of Jesus and the Saints. One day she emerged from such a session with blood trickling down her lip. "What have you done in there?" screamed Sister Thomasina. "Jesus kicked me out!" announced young Ruby with a bewildered smile. After assessing an extraordinary amount of damage to their church and finding pieces of the Jesus statue underneath the overturned holy water and crammed up the Mary statue's nose, the nuns decided they should follow suit and kicked Ruby off the grounds.

Ruby never had a problem finding places to stay. She took up with gypsies, circus freaks, prostitutes, gangsters and heavy metal bands. There was always enough food for Ruby and people were compelled to give her lavish gifts after only knowing her for a few hours. She lived in Mongolia, Peru, Pakistan, Italy, Korea, Morocco, New Zealand, Haiti and every state in the U.S. except Florida.

In her late teens it was getting irksome to move around all her trunks filled with gowns and bejeweled corsets. It was just at that time when she was living in Texas and happened to be performing in a variety act with shaven lambs and plucked chickens when she noticed a well-dressed group of girls with glorious cleavage and stunning tattoos. "Who are you?" asked Ruby after her set, still half-naked and cradling a baby lamb. "We're Satan's Cheerleaders," responded a glittering elf princess with platinum hair. That was Trixi Stix.

Satan's Cheerleaders hired Ruby Lamb to make their web site beautiful. One day, Trixi said to Ruby, "We've been watching you for a while. I think you might be one of us. But first we must put you through the trials of hell." "Sure," exclaimed Ruby. Ruby was painted with the blood of a corrupted demon brother; Priss E. Bitch wrote across Ruby's chest the number of the beast. Ruby drank the blood of living virgins from the lips of Lucky Dukes. She ate hellfire from Vixin's fingers and she followed the other girls into possession by the demons of dance. Luci sent Ruby ashes from Germany: "Cut off a piece of your skin behind your ear and rub these ashes in the wound for a week." Grumpily, Ruby Lamb obliged (the wound healed nicely, by the way). Katnip made Ruby sleep on a bed of hay with a pillow of horseshoes. "You're too soft," she said.

And then one day Ruby realized that there weren't any more trials left. She was one of them now and she had earned her 666. She looked into the mirror and laughed and laughed.